Not being independently wealthy certainly has its challenges. Nevertheless, where would I be if not for the battalion of angels pulling strings for me? Having been gainfully employed for only three months out of the last twenty-six, every time the bills need to be paid, my wife and I somehow manage. In the meantime, because I have been unwilling to go out and actively look for work, my wife occasionally breaks down and slings mud my way, labeling me as selfish because (from her perspective) I am refusing to put my family’s needs ahead of my own.
Is she right?
While it’s true that during this recent spate of prolonged unemployment I have decided not to look for a job, my wife knows that if a job were to suddenly fall into my lap, I wouldn’t unreasonably turn it down.
You see, although I have worked my entire professional career in a freelance capacity, my reputation has been such that for the past twenty years or so, word of mouth has always brought work to me – that is, until a few years ago when I first began to get honest and serious about my intentions to develop and produce my own projects (as opposed to simply accepting the status quo of working for the rest of my life on other people’s projects).
Anyway, just like that, even though I never spoke a word of my intentions to any of my clients, every freelance job that came knocking at my door, and there were maybe about seven or eight in the last twenty-six months, each one mysteriously vanished into the ether before it ever made it to square one. It was a very strange and unprecedented occurrence for me – in fact, it felt as though the angels were doing all they could to give me as much time as possible to pursue my dreams. That said, I guess the point I am trying to make is that I have not suddenly changed the way that I have historically gained employment. I am simply not willing to cold call potential new employers in an effort to procure the work that I am no longer passionate about doing. The way I see it, the fact that the traditional pipeline has suddenly dried up is God’s way of telling me there is another path for me to travel. I just need to believe in myself and co-create that path.
Okay, so now that you know both sides of the coin, let’s get back to that question of selfishness…
On August 17, 2006 – the same day I happened to post on the subject of 11:11 – Nola buckled under the financial stress and attacked me once again with a vicious torrent of anger. As a result, I felt so deeply confused and anguished about my marriage and my life, all I could do was sit at the computer and dump before channeling the following response from my guardian angel:
Okay, that was a good rant. Now, can we talk? Are you ready to listen? We have a few things to say if you care to stop ranting and to settle yourself down a bit?
Yes, by all means. I’m all ears. Honest. I have no idea what you might want to say to me, and I am really curious. Please, go ahead.
Mathew, we have not been giving you bad advice, and you have not been doing anything wrong. You have not been sitting around doing nothing. And you are not self-absorbed in the way that your wife would like to construe. You are self-absorbed for the right reasons. And your self-absorbed behavior is not the thing that is getting you into the predicament you are in, nor is it the kind of behavior that ignores everyone and everything around you. You are very involved in your family life. Yes, as you admitted, we can all do more than we do. However, there is nothing about the amount of involvement and the amount of caring that you have for your family that would ever remotely suggest that you are self-absorbed. Nevertheless, your wife is angry and she is scared, and she is afraid that this will be the way it is forever – that you will be sitting at home idle and that there will be no way to pay back any of the accrued debt. She is scared for her future – a future she can no longer see – a future she no longer believes in. And because she is not initiating all the soul work, she blames you for everything that has and is going on in your lives. Yes, she does play the role of martyr very well, and this is not a good thing for anyone, however, it is not a shock to anyone, yourself included, that she can only take so much. After all, like we said, you are the one who is initiating all the soul work. She didn’t sign on for it, thus, she resents the fact that she is going down the road with you.
Mathew, everything is going to turn out fine. You will begin to see some change in your life. We do not wish to predict anything specific about the future because that is not what we are trained to do. However, we are not giving you bad advice. We have never given you bad advice. And you have not misunderstood what we have been teaching. You understand perfectly well, and you have been putting into practice more of our teachings than you ever have before. It is just an unfortunate confluence of events that brings the height of your proactive nature together with the lows of your employment history. But it is not a permanent condition. You know this, we know this, unfortunately, your wife doesn’t know this. She is full of fear. And although it is a lot to ask of anyone to walk the walk and be unafraid, she has done remarkably well. She isn’t the one who speaks to us. She isn’t the one who feels what you feel. She is your partner, and it’s a lot to ask.
In the meantime, don’t judge her by the things she says when she is afraid. You can plainly see that she loves you when you look at all the things she has done in her life. Her actions speak volumes. Her fear is just fear. And you know as well as anyone that when people are afraid, they will say all kinds of things that they don’t really mean. They may think they are speaking the truth, but later, when they are through their fear, they regret saying what they have said. We are sorry for you both, Mathew. We are sorry that you are faced with such challenges. We are doing our best to help you through this time of financial struggle. We wish there was more we could do.
One year later, my wife and I are back in what feels like a similar financial predicament, only this time, we sold off most of our material possessions to finance a 3000 mile move to Los Angeles that we were both certain was divinely orchestrated.
For the continuing story of my awakening, see this post.
(For the previous story, see here.)